the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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