Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
