THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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