My liver just broke up with me...
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
