Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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