I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
