Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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