I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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