You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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