I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
