Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
