My hand turned me down
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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