I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
