My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
