I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My dick has a subreddit
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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