You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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