Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
