I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
