My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Can I color on your dick again?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
