don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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