I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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