i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
