I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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