We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
