Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
