Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
