Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
That's when you crack a 10am beer
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
