Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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