I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
