1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
