The maid of honor just puked.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I pour the whiskey from now on
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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