Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
