Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
