we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
