NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
