when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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