new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
where are my eyebrows?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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