I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
