We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
