Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
