I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
