he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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