Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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