How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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