On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
