i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
