I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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