After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
