It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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