dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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