just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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