the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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